My friend Elliot called me “unique” today. Maybe not for the reasons I would have liked, but he definitely had a point. We were talking about my relationship issues. Yes, I will admit I have issues – the biggest being my tremendous need for alone time.
Nearly every relationship begins and ends the same way – with a guy being much too demanding of my time, and me deciding that I just can’t live with it. I’m an independent woman. I’ve been single for most of the past 9 years. I live alone. I take care of myself. And I like it that way. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’d love to meet the right guy, fall in love, and live happily ever after.
The right guy is incredibly patient. He respects my need for space and doesn’t force himself into my life. He enjoys the time we spend together and lets the relationship develop at a pace I am comfortable with – which is obviously much too slow for 99% of the male population. The right guy knows that as my feelings for him grow and as I become more comfortable with our situation, I will become more giving of myself and my time – because it’s what I want to do, and not what I feel pressured into.
Maybe it’s not the right time for me to be with the right guy, but I do know that he exists. He’s as real as my Lightning McQueen microbead pillow. And even more snuggable.
In the meantime, I’ll keep waiting…and wishing…and tossing back the ones that just aren’t keepers.
May 16th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Well, I think you’re unique in a good way. At least you know what you want and aren’t wasting anyone else’s time.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:10 am
I sincerely am afraid that your wish for “alone time” runs counter to the most everyone’s concept of a relationship. Everyone needs time alone, but you seem to need two completely incompatible things – two separate lives. One that demands your own time, yet also demands someone else’s on your own terms. I really think you’re going to be looking for a long, long time and frankly I can’t imagine the guy that would be willing to give you that much space and still call it a relationship.
Doesn’t, by its very nature, a relationship assume you want to be with the other person a great deal of the time? How can you fall for someone, and want someone to fall for you, if you don’t particularly want them around and they don’t feel you want them around. That can hurt, I know, and can very very easily be taken as a passive rejection.
I’d think very hard about your priorities as you’ve laid them out above and it you truly want someone to spend the rest of your life with, you’re going to have to be very willing to deeply compromise your alone time. Or have no relationships at all, because there’s no half-way.
Love ya, Tish – I do. Wish the very best for you…. you know.
May 16th, 2008 at 11:32 am
Tish, I have to agree with your friend Elliot here. Most guys are the ones itching for tons of alone time, not the other way around.
But it sounds to me like you’re best off looking for a great friendship at first that can quickly (or slowly depending on both your feelings) develop into something a whole lot more.
Do most of the guys you date know that you like, no, love your alone time? I’m guessing not, until it’s way too late. Most guys will think they’re not calling/seeing you enough, just because that’s what they’re used to. And if you show any signs of rejection or pushing away, I’m betting that makes them come on even stronger. Which probably turns you off even more.
Your best bet would be to be as honest and open and upfront with them as soon as you start anything. Even if it’s just a friendship. It may seem awkward to you at first to have to do or say that, but it will so pay off in the end. Guys will get it. And if they don’t, then you’ll know real quickly.
Plus, you’ve got to remember… most guys are pretty damn clueless with just normal “regular” girls who follow the rules. Heh. Just imagine what us guys’ll be going through with a real unique one like yourself.
May 16th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I have to concur with the masses here.
I don’t see why any guy would want to be with a girl who values her alone time more than she does his presence. I know everyone needs space to themselves every now and then, but when guys joke about forgetting what you look like, that might suggest that you could be taking this alone thing just a weeeeeee bit too far? 
I may have a different perspective though, since I’ve never had a relationship before, all I’ve ever had in my life was alone time, and you know, it really starts to get old after a while.
Maybe it’s bets you try to find some middle ground. Like inviting him over, but agreeing to let each other do their own thing separately: maybe he watches TV while you’re on the PC or vice versa, and when the need for companionship arises you’ll just be a room away. Just a thought.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend yet more alone time by having lunch, by myself, as usual. Yet again. Oh yay.
May 16th, 2008 at 6:12 pm
I wish I had more of that “I need alone time” quality. I’m just the opposite. I could be around people 24/7 and it wouldn’t be enough. Of course I’m referring to certain people of my choosing.
May 16th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
[...] Tish over at The Kat House needs “A Break“. [...]
May 17th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I value my Alone time too Tish. For me, it’s more than just the fact that I enjoy it. For me it’s a defense mechanism. When I date a guy, I get wrapped up in their world, and used to their presence. When they leave it’s like a giant void, so I’ve learned to have my own life and to have my own time that is mine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I do see everyone’s point on making sure that need for alone time doesn’t turn into pushing people away.
I like Lincoln’s take on it. Be together, but do your own thing. That sounds heavenly!
May 17th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Teeni – Thank you!
Barry – Thanks for your comment. And you’re right in that there is no half-way. That’s exactly why I’m still single. I do know from experience that I can develop feelings for someone and actually want to be around them all the time – but it’s something that doesn’t happen very quickly for me. And most people aren’t patient enough to stick around until I get to that point. I agree that relationships are about compromise, but I guess I’m selfish because I just can’t compromise that much in the beginning stages of a relationship. So maybe I will remain single for a long, long time. I’ll still hold out hope for that right guy though. You just never know.
And don’t worry, Barry. You’d never make me mad with your comments. I really appreciate your honesty, and I love you too!
Andrew – Thanks for the very nice comment.
And you’re right – I think the best thing for me is finding a good friendship that turns into something more. By the time it turns into more, I should be pretty comfortable spending time with him! And thanks for all the advice. You’re the best! 
Linc – Thanks for the advice. You know, for a guy who hasn’t been in a relationship, you have a pretty good perspective about the whole thing. I might be able to deal with someone being around more frequently if we are able to do our own things. My problem in the past is that guys have expected me to entertain them when they’re at my place. Watching movies or whatever – I just have to be right there all the time. It makes me feel crowded. And it has been my experience that when I spend incredible amounts of time with a guy, I don’t have time for all the other things that matter – my other friends, blogging, studying, etc. I’d like to have time for all the important things in my life while still having a relationship. And hey – good luck finding your girl! She’s out there. I’m sure.
Flat Coke – Ha! I know what you mean. It’s always best when you can choose the people you want to be around – like Mr. Wonderful, right?
DateGirl – Thanks so much for the comment. I’m sorry that things have worked out that way for you, but it seems like you’ve found a way to deal with it – even if it isn’t what most other people would do in the situation. You really do need to protect your heart – until the guy comes along that you know would never hurt it.
Best of luck to you, my friend.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:27 pm
I guess your friend is right, but your unique is a good thing. You are a girl who knows what she wants and I really don’t think there is anything wrong with that.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I can understand how you feel. I value my time alone. I would like to be in a relationship, but I’m so used to being on my own I know it would be hard. I know a lot of people don’t like being alone, but I do. I’m never at a loss of things to do. It would be nice to have someone to be with, but 24/7 might be too much.
May 21st, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Hey Tish, I hear psycho dump operator dude is single (shocker, huh?)… Anyway, let me know if you’re interested and I’ll put in a good word for you next time he’s crawling my a$$ for not breaking down my cardboard boxes….