In light of the recent Minneapolis bridge collapse, I’ve done lots of thinking about my inability to swim. I have a serious fear of drowning, and despite a number of swim lessons last year, I can do nothing more than a back float.
In the event my car were to crash into a body of water larger than my own bathtub, I’d be in real trouble. If the impact didn’t kill me, a few breaths of the water would. I can’t think of a worse way to die.
So, to protect myself against the possibility of crashing into the Tennessee River, I’ve decided to put together an emergency kit consisting of the following items.
- a compact inflatable raft that fits neatly into the glove box
- a life vest that fits neatly under every outfit I own - to be worn whenever I’m in a 10 mile radius of water
- a compass
- flares, just in case I get stranded on an island
- waterproof mascara, in case there is a hunky man on that island
Oh, wait. Scratch the flares. And scratch the rest of that garbage too. Perhaps a more suitable emergency item would be an accomplished swimmer with a six pack, a nice tan, and no sense of direction.
All I can say is that he had better be bigger than a glove box!
August 9th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Count me out as a rescuer. No six pack here.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
I was already to volunteer (cuz they do that in TN!), but I don’t have a six pack (more of a pony keg), no tan (but a decent sunburn), and you already know I have an impeccable sense of direction. And I’m not sure what you want to be bigger than a glove box, but I’m pretty sure I’d fail you there, too….
August 9th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Don’t worry - the fall will kill ya!
Remember that a full 6-pack will probably sink, where has my protective wrapper will float!
August 9th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
I can’t swim either. I am making a note of this post…
August 9th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
bigger than a glove box…now THAT is a happy thought!
August 9th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
@Mushy - “Don’t worry - the fall will kill ya!” HA HA HA
@Tish - Was this a serious post? Shouldn’t you add “learn how to swim” to that list?
August 9th, 2007 at 9:12 pm
I can bring you a six pack….of beer. And the tan, well… I’m a redhead which means I have a very fair complection. The sun and I don’t play well together.
I guess I am with Mike, you can count me out.
August 9th, 2007 at 10:01 pm
You’re gonna have a lot of guys wanting to rescue you after THIS post.
August 9th, 2007 at 10:22 pm
Just put a call in to your local “Hunks ‘r Us” and order one up. I’m sure they’ll have several that meet your criteria….
August 10th, 2007 at 12:07 am
I recall an eps. of Myth Busters on cars going into lakes - the end result is open the door/window fast, once it gets under water the pressure is too great and your trapped.
Then you can learn to float - you obviously have a long line of men ready to dive in and save you.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:09 am
All things considered, when you hit the water, you get severely disoriented. This was according to the Esquire issue with Jon Edwards on the cover.
Recently, we had a car go off a 60 foot bridge right around where you enter the Appalachian Trail by the mega Cabelass and amazingly, the one guy survived the drop. Fortunately, the water wasn’t deep, but still.
That said, however I go - I just want it to be quick.
August 10th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
LOL…….this post is funny, the waterproof mascara cracked me up
August 10th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Hah! Great post, Trish. I was going to suggest just packing a “life guard” but you beat me to the punch.
And my wife recently freaked out after the Minneapolis bridge collapsed. (And she was real scared o’ bridges before!). So she’s all set to buy us one of those little hammers to stick in the glove compartment to smash open the window (not the front windshield, but the side ones) and swim out of. She also found a good tip… if you do crash and get yourself out of the car you’ll probably be really disoriented and not even know which way up is (depending on how deep the water is). So just relax and blow bubbles. The bubbles will always float up, so just follow them.
Of course in your case, you need to learn to swim first.
August 10th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
My FIL recently said, “When I die I want to go just like my grandfather… peacefully in his sleep. Not like those other 4 people screaming and hollering in the car as it plunged off the bridge.” I think he was joking.
August 10th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Mike - I could have sworn you had a six pack of Red Bull during Blogathon!
Go Vols!
Os - The fact that you were ready to volunteer (just because we do that in Tennessee!) is a very attractive quality!
Mushy - Thanks a lot for giving me some hope!
As for the protective wrapper, you do have a point!
Mr. Fab - I think swimming is one “experiment” you should steer clear of. I saw how the last experiment turned out! *LOL*
Melissa - How right you are!
Bush - Learn to swim? Ha! Winning the lottery would be more likely! Speaking of that, got some numbers for me to play?
Bucky - Make it a six pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and I’ll forget all about the tan!
Flat Coke - That’s what I’m hoping for!
Barry - Have you been browsing the selection for me?
Michael - I’ve seen a little tool you can buy that will break your windows from underwater. There I go talking about tools again…
Dan - That’s a scary thought. And as for dying quickly, you hear coroners say that someone “died instantly”. I can’t believe that anyone could die instantly. It seems to me that for a split second at least, you’d have to feel some pain!
Tom - Glad I could make you laugh! Thanks for stopping by!
Andrew - As I mentioned in one of the other comments, I once saw a little tool advertised on those late night infomercials. It was about the size of a tire guage, and you pressed a button and it popped out enough pressure to break your windows. Sounds easier than a hammer - if it works! And um, yeah, I don’t think blowing bubbles would help me!
Geneva - *LOL* I’ve heard that before. Funny! And yes, let’s definitely hope he’s joking!
August 16th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
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