The Kat House

I used to be very active in my church, but over the past few months, my faith has wavered. My church attendance has been poor. My prayers have been few. I’ve sinned - not so much in my actions, but in my inactions.

I should have gone to church. I should have said my prayers. I should have sang praises to God, for I have lots to be thankful for. Instead, I chose to feel sorry for myself. I chose to spend my lonely nights crying myself to sleep instead of praying for forgiveness and mercy. These past few months have been very difficult for me, but no one has been the wiser. I woke in the mornings, and I put on my mask - that happy, smiling mask that few have seen me without.

Don’t get me wrong - as I said, I have much to be thankful for. I have family and friends, pets, a home, a car, a good job. I am free to do as I please, and there are so many in this world who will never have that privilege. Over the past few months, however, my life has changed. I got a promotion at work that consumes so much of my time and energy. I now have to limit my social involvement with work friends, so as not to give the impression that I’m favoring certain employees. My brother Jake, who had been my best friend since my divorce seven years ago, recently got married and has a baby on the way. He no longer has time to hang out with me - to go to the gym, to watch movies, to talk about our love lives, or in my case, lack thereof. I’ve become even more distant with my sister - in large part because of this blog. So much has happened, in such a short amount of time, and I chose to focus on those things instead of on my faith.

Deep down, I always knew that turning a blind eye to my God was wrong. I felt guilty and ashamed for shutting Him out of my life. I tried to find my way back to the church. I received several cards, letters, and phone calls from other church members. Finally, something set me into motion. It was God Himself. There is a hymn called, “Listen, God is Calling” that we sang in church a few times. For the past two or three weeks, that song has been playing in my mind.

Listen, listen, God is calling
Through the Word inviting
Offering forgiveness, comfort, and joy.

That’s the only part of the song that I could remember, and it just kept repeating itself in my mind. I finally chose to listen.

I went to church this morning. I was a bit worried that the walls would come crashing in, but thankfully, they didn’t. What did happen, however, was just what my soul needed. When I walked into the church, a flood of people came running toward me. They hugged me. They said they had missed me and they had prayed for me. I fought back the tears. I knew that I was where I should have been all along.

After the service, I was again surrounded by those loving disciples of Jesus. And this time, I couldn’t fight back the tears. They flowed down my face, cleansing me of all the doubt that had built up in my heart, making room for all the love that was being poured in - the love that I will, in turn, share with my neighbors. My heart is full, and I lift it up to God.